After that he loads a truck with dry corn and drives 3 hours to the river terminal. He dumps the corn and parks in line to load dry fertilizer. By now it is 2 AM. He sets his alarm clock for AM since the fertilizer place starts loading trucks at By he's loaded and back on the road. At AM he's home, dumps the fertilizer, and crawls back into the combine. For him, this is just another day. In his world, there are no weekdays. There are no weekends. There are only rainy days and sunny days. Except for Tuesdays, which is when he has a weekly conference call with the DOD strategists.
His Christmas tree is lit exclusively with Xenon lights. It will cast a shadow at 1 mile. In his mailbox is a large electromagnet, some capacitors, and some custom sound processing boards. When activated, the system listens for excessive bass levels and will blast a short magnetic pulse at the offending vehicle as it drives by.
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The resulting magnetic field produces a voltage spike in the car's radio, which makes the audio stop playing. He likes peace and quiet at night. When he goes Christmas shopping, it's one trip to Theisens. According to him, "If Theisens ain't got it, you don't need it". He can swap out the rotor gearbox on a in under an hour, but that's a snails pace compared to doing an emergency sled rebuild for Santa while on the Christmas run. Also, this year he noticed that Dasher is preggo and asked Santa who the bull was. Santa didn't know she was carrying and neither did Dasher.
That was an awkward moment. It is unknown how he rings in the new year. He literally drops off the grid during one of the last days of December, and turns up somewhere else days later. Last year he had been missing for 5 days when he was found tuning a fleet of combines in Australia. The year before that, he was finally located in one of the rougher parts of Baghdad. He had apparently been teaching the locals how to make Lasagna and other Italian dishes.
The ship's Captain reported that while they had been at sea for 15 days, this additional passenger showed up just 4 days earlier, and was of "significant assistance" during a severe storm that nearly capsized the ship. His undocumented travel activity drives the FBI mad, since they like to think they're pretty good at investigating stuff. They simply want to study his international travel methods to get new ideas for reducing the trade of contraband.
Being the honorary guest, he threw the first pitch. In case you're wondering, the Packers won with 5-under-par. He doesn't always stay up until the wee hours of the morning, but when he does, he is usually counting ridiculously large quantities of small, unmarked bills. He rarely does Karaoke, but when he does, it is really something to see. There are stories about the time when he did a Bluegrass version of 2Pac's California Love, and the audience gave him a standing ovation.
Ford makes a special version of the F just for him. The most significant changes are a foot-operated hydro-stat transmission, 12, lb axles, and crab steering. The hydro is especially useful when plowing snow. It has a top speed of only 85 MPH, but can do that in both forward and reverse.
When the USPS is unable to deliver mail due to sleet or snow, they call him. He gets the horses and sleigh out of the barn and delivers the mail for everyone in his township. He can provide so much cowbell that Christopher Walken once told him to turn it down a notch. He actually bought one of those Balzer bushel grain carts.
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He needed a seed tender that could keep up with his planter. He bought a TV and satellite dish specifically so he could watch it.
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He was massively disappointed after seeing the first episode, as it is a show about houses, and has absolutely nothing to do with corn cribs. His semi truck has a pair of 8 inch stacks. It will sing tune that is deeper than the average Skrillex track. His financial statements can be printed in color on a black-and-white printer. There are no negative numbers, so no need for the red ink. There are a few phrases you'll never hear him say.
One thing you'll definitely never hear him say is "This tractor has too much horsepower". DMI is known for building tillage equipment that is considered "over-built" by many. Last fall, he pulled the hitch off his DMI chisel plow. He calmly welded it back together, along with enough steel that it won't happen again. He doesn't seem to mind fixing things, but he despises fixing something more than once.
He hasn't mowed the lawn in 2 years. He has trained a pet goat, Billy, to be the resident grounds keeper. Billy eats the grass down to a consistent height, often carving out unique patterns while he is at it. Think of the checkerboard pattern that is seen on baseball fields - it's like that, but far more advanced. Golf course managers have been known to visit to get new ideas. His barn has been autographed by numerous playboy models. If you've ever seen a set with a hay stack or a horse in the background, it was likely shot at his place.
When he needs to shred old financial documents, he runs them through his New Holland grinder mixer, powered by his International Sometimes he will throw in a phone book or two when he wants to see some black smoke. Every spring, he plants an unusual shape or image into one of his fields using a combination of variable rate technology and multiple hybrids, resulting in faint color variations during certain parts of the growing cycle. Google's satellite imagery team has an internal competition to see who can locate the image first.
It's kind of like the game "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego", but with crops. Last year he planted the world's largest QR code in a Kansas wheat field. His house, barn, and main tillage tractor all have Twitter accounts. The seat in his planter tractor is a customized Aeron chair that has three-axis air-ride suspension. The cab has 9. There is a Toyota Prius in his fleet of farm vehicles. People often chuckle when they see the Prius bouncing through plow furrows, but what they don't know is that it is an incredibly useful service vehicle.
It has a welder in the back that is powered by the car's electrical system. He also has it wired to power his house and shop, in the event that the power goes out. Being a courteous chap, he gave a BMW employee a lift back to their pit area, but that ride changed the course of automotive history.
Supposedly you can still see the He wanted to give the BMW development group a little something to remember him by. While some farmers have an extravagant catwalk system connecting their grain bins, he has only a single half-inch steel cable strung between bins. Usually he just walks the cable to get from one bin to the next, but occasionally he rides a unicycle. Some say that he has a sixth, or even a seventh sense. One thing is certain, fashion is not it.
Over the years, he has won numerous livestock awards at the Iowa State Fair. While the ribbons are nice, it has also earned him international attention. A couple years ago, semen from one of his prize-winning bulls was used to AI approximately heifers in North Dakota. Those bred heifers were then purchased by the government of Kazakhstan to build the countries' cattle herd.
The cattle were shipped to Kazakhstan via UPS. When he gives his bank account number to a Nigerian scammer, they deposit money into his account. You've probably heard people refer to some place known as "the middle of nowhere". He owns a ranch there - says the yields are decent, but that it's a long drive delivering grain to the terminal. The Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz came from his farm.
He also owns a couple fields along the yellow brick road, although it's really more of a tan color these days. Apparently it's quite sun faded. In the early s, he needed a combine with more capacity than anything available on the market or in development. He eventually bought a pair of s and connected them together side-by-side. The left chassis had to be disassembled and rebuilt mirrored so that the clean grain elevator and all drive sprockets would remain on the outside of the machine for maintenance. For him, New York is a "fly over" state, on his way to farm shows in Europe.
If you ever get invited to his place for dinner, don't be surprised if he cooks up a batch of his famous redneck lobster. Basically it is walleye fillets boiled in Mountain Dew. Most people claim it is the best lobster they've ever had, until they find out it isn't lobster at all. His banker's name is J. Yes, Seriously. He plays his music loud, loves to feel the bass.
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However, he only listens to new music in the afternoon when the going is good. Once the sun starts to fade and the dew starts to set, he goes back to familiar tunes so that he can hear anomalies of his machine through the music. He doesn't often go golfing, but when he does, he likes to get birds. Not birdies, but literally he aims for birds flying near the ground between himself and the hole. Got two crows and a score of 3 under par on the last 18 hole course he played. Some say that the pupil of his left eye is shaped like a John Deere logo, and that the pupil of his right eye is shaped like an International Harvester logo.
Few people notice because he is usually wearing sunglasses, even while indoors. He has a black denim suit that he sometimes wears when he attends a formal event. It includes a duct-tape bow-tie and he has some chromed quarter-inch bolts for cuff-links. He likes to visit the casino any time it is Friday the 13th. Claims 13 is his lucky number. He has even rolled a 13 on the craps table once.
He sometimes carries a wallet that is attached via a chain. He can determine the pH balance of soil by grabbing a hand full and running it through his fingers. It's like checking the moisture of corn with your hands - you can get pretty close once you've done it enough.
There is a new un-opened bottle of Fast Orange in his farm shop. Dirt never seems to stick to his hands, so he hasn't needed to open it yet. When he makes ham and potato soup, there is so much ham and potato in it that you can eat it with a fork. He calls this "country style" soup. He once took over control and landed a after the flight-crew became incapacitated due to food poisoning. Some credit his intuition and cool head, but he also stayed at a Holiday Inn Express the night before.
He later claimed the experience was similar to operating his self-propelled sprayer. He can get a bit frustrated when farming a field he recently bought. Those fields still have rocks in them, where as the fields he has owned for several years have the rocks buried deep enough that they're no longer an issue. You see, his farming practice adds inches of top soil every growing season, which eventually brings everything above the level where the rocks are. He is so good at operating a tractor, he once drove through a parade in reverse, pushing a float built on top of a hayrack the entire way.
One time when installing tile in one of his fields, his trencher hit a large rock. They dug it out, and loaded it onto a truck. It was over 10, lbs and about the size of an ATV. He drove the truck into town that night and dumped the rock at the main intersection in town, gave it a quick bath in diesel fuel, and lit it on fire. The sheriff and other locals thought it was a meteorite. He hates operating a mold-board plow due to the speed constraint. For example, at 15 MPH, the dirt flies three furrows over and the plow shears overheat in about 10 minutes.
He's so handy, he can fix stupid. He says it does require some special tools though. An electric cattle prod, some duct tape, two lb suitcase-weights, and a round-nose shovel. So you put 22" wheels on your Escalade? That's cute. He runs 54" wheels on one of his tractors.
Six of them, and that's just the rear axle. For him, this is the definition of 'multicultural'. He may not talk much, but his actions speak louder than words. Even the President likes to fly by to see what's going on during planting and harvest. Back when he was in grade school, he acquired a John Deere G tractor with a grenaded engine from a neighbor. He removed the engine and converted it into a pedal tractor. The rest of the tractor still functions normally, including the PTO and power steering.
When he's out in the field, he wears sunglasses around the clock, mainly because they are also safety glasses. This trend has now spread to other industries, most notably musical artists. Few know where the trend started. He coined the phrase "The sun never sets on progress" but others say "The sun never sets on cool". He owns several sections in MN that are mostly consumed by lakes. The property taxes are low because there are few tillable acres, but that's perfect because he bought the land specifically for the lakes. His fish hatchery division operates there. You'd never know it after the corn is up, but he doesn't have markers on his planter, nor does he have GPS on his planter tractor.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the most interesting farmer grows these too. After watching him row through the gears on an 18 speed cab-over Mack truck, you might think shifting should be an Olympic sport. He has a herd of unicorns at his hay operation. He feeds them a special high-protein diet to build muscle. Once they're strong enough, they're an army of walking bale-spears.
His Peterbilt semi was actually hand built by a guy named Peter. He enjoys reading a book called "50 Shades of Green". It contains pictures of John Deere tractors from antique to current production. He always says that a breakfast steak is the most important steak of the day. His reputation precedes itself. This has been measured by scientists at the Large Hadron Collider. When Carmen Sandiego wanted a vacation, she would visit his farm. He keeps a yoga mat in the cab of his tillage tractor.
He says it helps keep his pants clean when crawling around under the field cultivator replacing shovels. He once fixed a printed circuit board PCB on a neighbor's combine using a stick welder. You've probably heard of a whiskey chaser - where you drink a shot of whiskey and then wash it down with a pint of beer. When he starts feeling a little under the weather, he does an amoxicillin chaser. This is where he downs a shot of amoxicillin and then washes that down with a double shot of whiskey. When he gets the hour flu, it only lasts 12 hours. In the winter months, he likes to make some money on the side by pulling stuck semi trucks out of the ditches after snow storms.
He uses his John Deere tractor due to the narrow profile, but has it ballasted to 68, lbs for the necessary traction. He doesn't have a resume, he has a biography. Note, not an auto-biography. He is not legally allowed to discuss what happened to the weather in the midwest in Case IH began labeling their tractors with the engine horse power after they heard about his collection of Farmalls. His Farmall has horsepower.
When he is flirting with ladies, he has been known to make comments such as "Darling, you smell better than bacon in a skillet. His ATV has a cat inside it. This unique stability system ensures that any time the ATV becomes airborne, it will always land on its wheels. He once wrote an animated movie script about life on a farm. When the dog days of summer set in, he does something to remind him of cooler weather - he goes sledding.
Snow isn't required if you have enough horsepower, and he has enough horsepower. One of his favorite drinks is a Jack Daniel's and hot sauce cocktail, shaken, not stirred, the way his mother used to make it. He still uses a lates Nokia cell phone and is currently on his second one. The first one was borrowed by a neighbor and accidentally left on the draper head on the neighbor's combine.
The error was discovered when the phone was found in a pile of rasp bars behind the combine. The phone still worked, but had an annoying scratch on the screen, so he replaced it. He owns a convertible Corvette that he drives on long trips, usually to Omaha, NE where he picks up a new Timpte hopper trailer. The car has a fifth wheel and air bags on the rear axle to accommodate the trailer. The convertible is to allow clearance for the trailer in front of the fifth wheel, plus it makes for a nice drive to Omaha. The first-aid kit in his tractor contains a single roll of duct tape.
Why, you ask? He doesn't like meetings or suits. Like many people, he took the ACT test in high school. He was disappointed that it didn't include a field demonstration section. Sounds like he really wanted to prove his tractor-bailer-hay rack back-around-corner skills. Still manged to score a 38, whatever that means. Some people leave cookies and milk for Santa. He puts some brisket in the smoker a day ahead of time so that its good and tender when the big guy rolls in. Santa needs a balanced diet too, and cookies and milk are not a complete meal.
He also does a quick inspection and lube on the skid while it's parked. Apparently Santa delivers, but doesn't assemble. This year he got a New Holland small square baler. After breakfast, he goes out to feed the cattle. He adds molasses to the cattle feed, as that is their Christmas present. Then he spends the rest of the day watching a rodeo and drinking milk. He loves turkey burgers.
Who wouldn't love a pound of beef between two slabs of turkey? He uses a specially formulated hard-surface coating on the rasp bars and concaves in this combines. He sent one rasp bar to the guys at "Will it blend". It didn't blend. That episode has not aired. He rarely plays a round of golf, but when he does, it is on the hilly un-mowed CRP ground.
Some golf course pros tried to rate the course once. They decided the first hole was a par 17, but were unable to complete the second hole.
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His favorite color of finger nail polish is chrome. His second favorite color is John Deere yellow. His favorite type of pizza is steak and potato. Despite not responding to their initial interview requests, he still made it to the short list. They eventually removed him from the list after 11 unsuccessful attempts to get an interview with him. In hindsight, this was probably for the best. The current host, Mike Pearson, provides a natural continuity to the show that resonates well with viewers. His office has windows on all four sides. His desk is a leather-wrapped steering wheel.
His secretary is the touch-screen computer to his right. His pen is hydraulic remote 1. He is an artist, a business man, a commodities trader, and a master gardener to the Nth degree. His tractor cab has a special air-ride suspension with gyroscope stabilization, which keeps the cab smooth and level. When he is doing tillage on mile-long rows, he sometimes sets dominoes on edge on the floor of the tractor cab and then knocks them over for amusement. That's what his food eats. As previously mentioned, he always disappears in late December for a few days, ringing in the new year in an unknown location.
Yesterday he finally turned up at an airport in Cairo, having arrived on a flight from South Sudan. Apparently he had been canoeing on the White Nile and was sporting a new pair of Alligator-skin boots. However, what really drew attention were the Alligator-skin gloves in his back pocket. US Customs was again curious how he had gotten out of the US without a trace, and someone at the FBI is undoubtedly pulling their hair out right now wondering the same.
He used to have a pet pig in his house. Some people have Vietnamese pot-belly pigs, but this one was a Hampshire. Its name was 'Bacon' and like any good house pet it was litter-box trained, would oink on command, roll over, sit, and stay. Actually, it was exceptionally good at sitting and staying, which comes in handy now that it's in the freezer. He doesn't eat spinach. If he wants more iron in his diet, he eats iron. He seasons his potatoes with it, in the same way that you would use bacon bits. When he pulls in to a corn field for harvest, he can make that field disappear faster than David Copperfield on a TiVo at 16x.
Sometimes he wakes up the roosters when he is up fueling the machinery before sunrise. One of his favorite places to vacation is a little town known as Utopia, Texas. Some say that he has acquired a substantial number of abandoned houses in Detroit. Supposedly he is planning a bit of a bonfire that will dwarf the one they had in Chicago in Once the land is cleared, it will be reverted back to crop production. When it comes to alcohol, he starts with whiskey, but he saves the hard stuff for later in the evening.
You may own a pair of steel-toe shoes. He has a pair of steel-finger gloves. We're really not sure why though, he rarely wears gloves when working with barbed wire. It's hard to quantify the meaning of life, although he claims he has. He hasn't publicly stated what the number is, but we know the units are in bushels per acre. When he was 6, he torque-snapped the rear axle on his IH pedal tractor. Ended up doing an extensive overhaul on it including new paint and decals, larger tires with deep lugs, better gear ratios, a diff-lock, and a chrome stack.
While some engine manufacturers recommend changing the oil every hours, he changes the oil in his tractors every hours during the busy season. It is his Thursday night entertainment. They say he has a dirty mind, which is technically correct since he is almost always thinking about soil compaction, erosion, fertilizer, or water saturation. Some say he can play a pretty good tune on a 2" Banjo valve.
One time at a party he brought jello shots to share. He had used two colors of jello and formed them to look like the wheels on a John Deere tractor. People were challenging themselves to do "duals" or "triples", and pretty soon everyone was plowed. That was the last time he made jello shots. Some say that he visits rural Kansas as a birthday present to himself. One of his irrigation pivots used to cross Interstate 80 in Nebraska. Eventually the state built a bypass around it. That is the reason for the one curve in I in Nebraska. When he is in need of a laxative, he downs a bottle of olive oil.
While in conversation at a Hooters restaurant, he once made a comment about how beautiful barley straw is. He refuses to sing karaoke, with one exception: "I'm a Barbie Girl" by Aqua. One thing he doesn't understand is bath salt. Why would you want to take a bath in salt water only to have to take another bath to wash the salt off. When ladies try to attract his attention, they don't cover themselves in glitter, they cover themselves in bee's wings. He doesn't always listen to Metallica, but when he does, nothing else matters.
For many years, he thought the phrase"once you go black, you never go back" was a reference to black dirt. After using this phrase in numerous speeches over the years, you should have seen his eyes when he was informed of its meaning among urban folks. He walks with a swagger that intimidates people. This is not intentional, but is caused in part by the size of his wedding vegetables, and partially by the weight of his belt buckle.
He has been adopting technology on his farm at a record pace. His new grain leg is wireless. He briefly tried his hand at being a surgeon, but it didn't work out. His stories were so interesting that his colleagues were getting distracted. Forget snakes on a plane, he once brought chameleons on a plane. Nobody made a fuss though, probably because they are so hard to see. He has a couple grain sites without a ladder on any bin, which isn't much of an issue because parkour is one of his many hobbies.
She doesn't just think his tractor is sexy, it has been certified as "sexiest tractor in the world" by the people at Guinness World Records. He's not really a fan of green tea, unless it is Alfalfa tea. When he goes to the beach, he doesn't bring a towel or a chair, he brings a track hoe.
He builds sand castles that you can live in. When he goes to a nice restaurant and orders "a glass of house white", he means milk, not wine. He once did the Harlem Shake, although he didn't know it had a name at that time. A QuadTrac at 5. He rarely talks about his dreams, but when he does, the dream he describes is usually a camp fire next to a corn field in late July, sipping a tall glass of milk, listening to Beethoven.
Some years ago, he sketched out the dimensions and specifications for an airplane to use for crop dusting on his ranch. He showed the blueprints to his aviation friends and asked for feedback. Most said it couldn't be done, but a couple of the European guys said they would forward the info to some people they knew.
After years of calculations and some minor dimensional changes, it finally hit the market, commonly known as the Airbus A His favorite Dairy Queen Blizzard flavor is steak and potato. Last year he bought a tractor with narrow profile tires for an experiment with 15" row corn. This year all the neighbors have similar tire setups. Turns out that skinny tires are as much of a fad as skinny jeans are.
Like many people, after a long day he likes to have a drink and relax by the fire. In his case, the fire is a massive pile of trees that he grubbed out of the fence line earlier in the day, and the drink is a Molotov cocktail. If you load bad software on a router, you might turn it into a brick. He once loaded software on a brick and turned it in to a router. I'm told it took quite a while to chisel the Ethernet ports into it though.
You know that beautiful loping sound that a highly tuned engine makes at idle - his lawnmower sounds like that. He's more connected than the power grid. When plasma displays were first released, he put one in his combine to be used as a yield monitor.
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He was also one of the first people to discover the burn-in characteristic of plasma displays. After one season, the number 3 was burned in to the third digit for yield, signifying the yield was somewhere in the s most of the time. He has since replaced the screen with newer technology, and that old plasma display is now on exhibit at the factory where his combine was made.
When he is planting at night, the headlights on his tractor shine so brightly that the field can be seen from the International Space Station. He's quite the chef. There is one dish in particular he makes that includes bacon, ground beef, and a chicken glaze. Not only is it tasty, but it smells so good that it has been known to cure vegetarian-ism. The best male enhancement drug he's ever found is diesel. He once tried out a pogo stick. After using it to till one field, he gave up on it.
Said it had too much power hop. Some of the things that turn him on the most include dynamometer charts, watching the bid-ask spread on the CBOT, and seeing a pretty lady say "CSR rating" with a sly smile. One of his neighbors managed to get a big tracked tractor stuck in a mud hole. With heavy rain in the forecast, they thought it best to get the tractor out before it became a lake. Canada Only. North America. Show only see all Show only. Free Returns. Free shipping. Completed listings.
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See each listing for international shipping options and costs. People became more health conscious. When we were going strong we were working on the Canadian tour with Buddy Knox for three and a-half months and were with Dick Clark for three to six months. We saw the best of times. After , I knew music was probably ready for another dip. I retired. He does mainly weddings, and notices that the older, 50s and 60s style tunes are still the ones on most tune lists.
You still hear those songs every day. It was a wonderful life and great times, but not anymore. What, he wonders, would it have been like to strike it big like his friend, Bobby Vee? If I had a big hit, like Bobby, and a worldwide following, I could see myself doing that. Thankfully, the music still lives.
Written by: Mark Fode.