This has gone to far when people make such comments. I think they are still unconfident about their desires and have a go at ordinary people as if their way was the only way when it just isn't true. Please bdsm people be reasonable about this. Some of the stuff one reads is just crude. Jen Open your mind.
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Think outside of regular vanilla sex. I am a regular mom. My kids do sports, make good grades, we go to church and we goevery Sunday. Some kids are in college, one married and a grandchild on the way. I am 43, with a husband in a very successful career. I own my own business. We make good money. Yes we are both into BDSM. No I never feel degraded and used.
I have some do and don't s. What might be a don't for me might be a green light to another. Because you don't like that kind of lifestyle doesn't mean it's slavery on me. We have vanilla sex every now and then. And I m not talking about a kiss at the door. We have sex more day then not. Is that bad? Your husband would probably like to have some rough sex with you. Have you ever asked him what he would like? If you are a all uptight he wont tell you the truth. My husband is great at being dominate which is a huge turn on.
He protects me. He stands up to me. He is the leader for me. It works for us. Why should she open her mind and think outside vanilla sex? You assume that because you like bdsm you are further on? Normal sex is great and a lot of people don't need bdsm like you do.
Really this defence of bdsm is kind of turning into a distasteful attack. If you don't want to try it, then don't. But don't knock it until you do! He is so incredibly gentle and loving with me when I give up the power to him that way. In my daily life I am very in control -- I make hundreds of decisions a day, and my career is very analytical. I run the household, too, and all the myriad decisions that go with it. My only job is to give and receive pleasure. The intensity of it is something I can't even describe in words. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with vanilla sex.
I don't like characterizing people who don't care to engage in BDSM as boring or plain. Sex can be incredibly exciting no matter how you go about it -- even holding hands can be erotic. But I just want to add my voice to say that a little bit of BDSM play mixed in with our other sexual interaction adds electricity that sparks all of it.
Even our everyday nonsexual interaction is better, because of the "trust fall" we do together in the dark. It's really lovely. Don't condemn it without trying it. It's a very experiential thing -- the emotions that go with it truly don't emerge until you put yourself into the situation. My husband and I have been together 27 years. We have wonderful vanilla sex as it seems to be referred to, but have always been open to experiment with positions, places, and such.
After reading fifty shades I realized that I had a desire for more. Not necessarily full on BDSM but definitely more experimenting than we had done. Shame, fear,and a misunderstanding of BDSM made me afraid to ever voice my slightly kinky thoughts. It took me awhile, but I asked my hubbyi if he was willing to read fifty shades with me. He agreed, probably because he had heard at work that other men were really enjoying having their wives read it and he was curious.
It has created an environment where both of us have opened up about our deepest darkest desires and our needs and fears more honestly and openly than ever. We are a bit nervous about the what, where, how; but we know we will incorporate some style of 'play' dates into our married life It's a nervousness of anticipation, not fear. We always said that good orgasms themselves teetered on the rim of pain and understand that while some people enjoy increased pain, we are not looking for that, but do not judge those that do.
We have found out now,just discussing it added some toppings to our vanilla. I believe that this article had done a very good job of presenting an objective, informative overview of what the vast majority of the bdsm community is all about. The central theme of honest, open negotiation and mutual respect leading to much greater intimacy than that experienced in most relationships is right on! The idea that the "submissive" is really the one who had the final say is accurate and in direct contrast to the popular conceptions of bdsm relationships.
This article provides a much more realistic presentation of the fundamentals of bdsm than fictions such as "50 shades". Jay Wiseman's BDSM is am excellent primer for those wanting to know more, and "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" is a good follow up for those seeking more details and specifics. I'm an older male and have been exploring bdsm for about 7 years now with both men and women. I have a post graduate degree in Counseling and experience as a professional counselor.
Since I retired I have let myself explore realms that would have put my job in jeopardy had I done so while working due to the prejudices common to the field at that time. Even since the "normalization" of bdsm by the research leading up to the DSM-5 and the diagnostic determinations made there, there is popular and undeserved stigma present against those who practice bdsm. My own experiences have led me to many friendships with the most open minded and respectful people I have ever encountered, and marriage to my soulmate, who is my wife and mistress.
Our communication is uninhibited and honest to a degree I have never experienced before. The relationships of the friends we have made in the local bdsm community are the same in many respects, especially in that they are based in mutual respect and trust. Openness, honesty, and acceptance of divergent perspectives are far more common than in any group or category of people I've ever encountered.
Opinions, perspectives, and belief systems are rarely suppressed, which, in my opinion, is why those involved in this lifestyle are found to be less likely to have serious mental health issues than the general population. I've seen very little bigotry or prejudice in the community and those that exhibit those traits are not respected and find it difficult to find friends if they don't get the message that their behaviors and opinions are not acceptable. People of any sexual or gender orientation are accepted by all those I've encountered.
There are a wide variety of specific types of relationships and kinks that come under the umbrella label of bdsm, but they all have the underlying theme of trust based in mutual respect. Within some universal guidelines and exclusions, the philosophy that "your kink may not be my kink, and that's OK" is a standard to which all that I know as friends subscribe. It is pretty universally recognized that every relationship is unique and the details of it are best determined by those in it. Those that disagree with this perspective, especially if they are critical or intrusive, are usually not respected themselves and find it difficult or impossible to get along with most of those in our local community.
I applaud the psychological community in general for being open minded and willing to objectively re-evaluate such potentially "hot" topics as bdsm. Since my first comment we have attended a munch, joined a 3 million member website and learned much, including the fact that a little pain can bring a lot of pleasure for many, including myself. My daughter is a psychologist and asking her questions about the lifestyle in general safe to do since 50 I was so happy to hear that the psych community has a much better balanced and fair view than you seem to have had in your career.
Progress indeed, as changing the DSM does not always translate into changing minds. Thank you for sharing your life experience, increasing our comfort with our choice,and adding to the conversation. I actually had sexual relationships with gay BDSM men who were completely straight with me and there was no "playing" I am not into BDSM at all--and find my sex life very satisfying. However, when anyone finds out that I am friends with people in BDSM they immediately try to start "working" on me.
A lot of men I meet find my personality very dominant and expect me to dominate them. A lot of men I meet believe the hype about women as submissives and try to "work" pain and control on me into their fantasies. My problem with heterosexuals who claim BDSM is a wonderful way to live is that they dont understand how to respect other peoples boundaries who do not want to "play" with them.
Please stop calling people who are not into BDSM as plain or vanilla. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a painless and less complicated way of having sex with anyone. The range of activities that fit under the umbrella label of BDSM is huge and varied, and does certainly include painless and uncomplicated ways of having sex, or not. Sex is not necessarily a component of BDSM activities. There is nothing wrong with being vanilla or having simpler desires than others, and in fact the vast majority of people in this country do. But, conversely, those who choose to spice up their relationships, in whatever way they voluntarily negotiate between themselves, have the right to do so.
The people and behaviors you have described would not be tolerated in the groups we belong to. Respect of the limits and boundaries of others is not just expected within the communities we belong to, it is a necessity for them to continue to attend functions and not be "black balled" by those they are hoping to fit in with. Sure, there are people out there who try to take advantage of others against their will, both male and female, and, whether they choose to use the label of BDSM or not, that is the difference between abusers and those dealing out of mutual respect.
I feel like post of these people defending their vanilla sex lives are interpreting the word vanilla as derogatory. It is probably the least offensive way to say average or normal. Which IMO would probably cause more of an uproar. I can see it now! Will you read the posts from others and initiate yourself with the subject, then with your non objective contribution prove to us that we don't have to live in the closet. Just my 2 cents. BDSM is dehumanizing for the sub and brutal, and it feeds the worst in the dom. Eve, when I was 14 I was raped by a boy I was dating.
In that moment, I was degraded, hurt, humiliated and dehumanized. Even if he's spanking me with his hand, crop, paddle etc, if his hand is on my throat, or any myriad number of other things I won't get into at this time. What is the biggest difference between these two? And as the article stated, communication. If you asked any sub if they felt dehumanized, degraded or disrespected - I would doubt you would find one with an affirmative response to that question.
Because consent, and explicit communication regarding wants and needs are critical to all relationships but BDSM especially. My Dom is a wonderfully sensitive man, who is also wonderfully harsh with his hands, crop, paddle, etc. I fully agree with you Eve.
Humiliation punishment and the like do not appear in my marriage. Nether does sex outside of marriage. BDSM is not right in itself. Everything depends. You can have immoral bdsm, cruel bdsm, perverted bdsm. Let's face it. Not that I don't have any kinks within my marriage but that is not to say that everything under the bdsm banner is good.
It certainly isn't. I am a psychology student and before reading this, I got all the distorted conception about BDSM from the media. Thanks to this article, now I got a bigger picture as of what it is all about. It's a whole new level at looking at it now. I am glad i have come to this page from google, thank you very much. In a feminized world,men become more dominant in the bedroom and failing to being a real hero in the world.
How many of these 'dominant' men are actual leaders in the society. I wonder if a real alpha male would consent to a BDSM lifestyle. The only way I can see a true dominant is with a real guy who acts as a leader in his life, but that's almost machine like, without having such an individual open up to you to his most personal sensitive side. There ought to be a balance. To be shown as a female that you are wanted only sexually and not emotionally, just feels like your being used, actually.
As a toy. I obviously can't speak to the experience of others, for myself, my partner is somewhat introverted except when it comes to our BDSM dynamic, whereas I am quite extroverted and an Alpha type. For me, I don't feel used as a toy- our dynamic is a release for me where I do NOT feel the need to be in control of the situation and I prefer him to express his Alpha side. I believe that our society has become feminized to the point where men feel they need to walk on eggshells for fear of being persecuted for the crime of possessing a penis. In fact I love it. As women, we forget or refuse to acknowledge the we do inherently have a need to be possessed by our partner at our base.
There is nothing shameful or anti-feminist about wanting to be needed by a man. To be desired at that base level. I have a similar experience, Tany. My partner is a good man, secure in his masculinity, so he doesn't play alpha games with other men. He is low-key in public life, but very dominant behind closed doors. I believe it gives him a greater sense of control after a chaotic day. On the flip side of the coin, I am the head of household, have a job with responsibility, and a small child. I am buried in a mountain of red tape.
It is a relief to be able to hand my well-being and pleasure into the hands of someone I literally trust with my life, and know that for a few hours I do not have to be in charge. My current partner is my second wife, and I cannot put into words how in love we are, or how compatible we are. I cannot think of a single person I would rather spend my time with. While I have a colourful and extensive sexual history, she did not. She allowed her last partner to abuse her and honestly believed there was something wrong with her for not wanting sex.
The first time I slept with her she orgasmed and cried afterwards because she honestly thought she could not orgasm. Three years on from then and she now loves to be spanked, held, choked very lightly , tied. Look after herself which she did not do in her last relationship and 2. When we first started sleeping together the first thing I had to teach her was how to say 'No' to me. I had to explain, for example, that I did not expect head jobs, she felt that she had to give me head jobs because I went down on her every chance I got.
I asked her if giving me head turned her on, and she admitted it was a huge turn off for her and she only did it because she felt 'Guilty'. Not because she has too, but because being able to make me shudder turns her on! A few months back we were at a dinner party where a few couples were joking about how bad there sex lives were since having kids. My gorgeous sub said nothing, but just gave me a little smile with smouldering eyes, sadly there was a 'Baby sitter emergency' and we had to leave the party early The earth shattering orgasms are just a bonus.
The guy is trying waay too hard and why is it that all of his analogies are stereotypically male and inapplicable anyway? Besides - his sole preoccupation with 'pain' - ignores all sorts of 'sensation' play I know, this is pop-science, and as such one has little to no expectations in terms of rigorosity, but this article is especially stupid. Starting with its various unsubstantiated assumption.
For one the study of sexuality and sexual arousal, and what can elicit it, cannot be studied in isolation from its evolutionary background. Various sexual strategies across species, especially highly social species such as ours, may have very different results in terms of reproductive success.
This in turn will lend itself to selection. If this is the case, considering the particular behaviour and self-reported at that of a particular sub-set of the population in question confers little to no reliable insight as a default. And continues by applying value judgements in regards of it. Very bad science indeed. The article also has little to no grounding in neuro-cognitive science.
In turn this will involve the sexual strategy one employs unconsciously. One does not need to colour the picture in order to accept it as it is or try to change it in as much as possible at a societal level. These do not follow automatically, for they are moral and utilitarian considerations, not scientific. Besides being hetero-normative and monoga-normitive, this article consistent conflates "bottom" and "submissive" as well as "top" and "dominant". Critically, however, it falls prey to the tired old myth that the bottom is "in charge" because they have the ability to end the scene at any time.
The top can also end the scene at any time! Does that make them both "in charge"? It's like saying that one partner is in charge of the tennis match or the dance because they can stop it at any time. BDSM scenes, like any other interaction, is best when all the participants are getting their needs needs in a fully consensual way. Ya know, it reveals a lot when people feel compelled to discuss what their sex lives are like.
Most balanced societies acknowledge sex, have sex, and get on with their lives. People who need to promote it, exhibit it, rhapsodize about it, form clubs for it, demand special attention and favor for it are clearly, just from this need to get everyone's attention, mentally imbalanced. They are emotionally delayed or stuck-they are like the child who feels everything he discovers is "new" and wants to be watched and praised.
But grown adults needing and demanding constant attention, wanting others to be amazed at their sexploits older than the hills clearly describes undeveloped personalities and emotional retardation. Michael Castleman, M. He has written about sexuality for 36 years. Disabilities never preclude great sex. Many people have regrets about their first time. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. The New Science of Sleep Experts suggest ways to correct the habits that keep us from resting well. Subscribe Issue Archive.
Back Today. Creativity in Bipolar Disorder: Fabulous or Fatal? Michael Castleman M. Participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance. Submitted by TraderX38 on June 15, - pm. Safewords are for girls and ninnies. The proper response to "Redlight! Submitted by Libertine on March 18, - am. Necessity of safewords Submitted by Anonymous on March 23, - pm. Safe words Submitted by Anonymous on March 5, - pm.
At 8 Years Old, My Mother's Boyfriend Made Me His Sex Slave
BDSM How does one learn to be a dominant? Submitted by Artist on April 4, - pm. Learning Submitted by Anonymous on November 18, - pm. How to help your partner learn how to Dom you! Submitted by Edward Ryan on November 15, - pm. Well put Submitted by Esinem on June 4, - pm. It's reassuring :- If anyone is interested in 'learning the ropes', there is a lot of information on my web site on Japanese bondage. You really don't know what the "aim" is in my bedroom. There isn't necessarily any "hurt" involved in BDSM. There is no "hurt" involved in my BDSM.
If anything, women might be more prone to sexually experiment during or after reading the novels. Karim explains further why the novel is so appealing to women and men , even with the dysfunctional and sometimes even depressing personalities of the characters. He said the novel could help couples become more creative in their sex lives, but going to any extremes is generally not beneficial. Overall, the BDSM series is encouraging men and women to discuss sexuality more openly with each other. Kari Tabag, a licensed clinical social worker, works with adolescents and college-age men and women and has read the series.
She said the novel has passages that hint at mental health issues like posttraumatic stress, codependency , BDSM, and alcoholism. Also, she emphasizes that the actual relationship depicted in the series is very unhealthy in many ways. Viewpoint From a Submissive Kasi Alexander, the author of several books and short stories about alternative lifestyles, such as Becoming Sage and Saving Sunni , has herself been involved in the lifestyles of polyamory , BDSM, and power exchange.
She said in an email that the relationship between Christian and Anastasia is not necessarily a model of the typical BDSM or power exchange relationship. The characters themselves are also not typical. Accepting your dominant or submissive tendencies does not kill the desire for intimacy , closeness, or connection. Submissives are stereotypically extremely strong, capable people. Alexander adds that the BDSM lifestyle can even be considered therapeutic in different ways.
And just like in other bad relationships, abuse and manipulation can happen, but that is a matter of individual personalities and relationships, not a characteristic of BDSM as a whole. She believes that people will eventually become more accepting of these types of lifestyles and realize that they can be beneficial to people who can learn how to make them work.
BDSM and power exchange can be done badly and for the wrong reasons, but they can also be used for personal, professional, and spiritual growth and for the enhancement of relationships. The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. Why women are finding this kind of book about control and sadomasochism so fascinating is beyond me.
Why would I want to read about a woman who allows herself to be treated in such a way? I think way too much of myself to read that kind of crap. It is HOT! Allow yourself to let go of some of that feminine angst that you have inside and experience the story. If nothing else, it might help you spice up your own sex life! Or is that just me? She stated that it was just fun to read about something that is typically thought of as so naughty in society but that most women wanted to experience.
Wome want to be dominated? I am confused and told her that. I thought women wanted equality in the bedroom and the boardroom. Ok, I am leaving this one for the women, because the more I even try to talk about it the more confused I get, and there are enough confused husbands in the world already. Kasi Alexander makes some really interesting points. As for why women want submission, even though they fight for equality: we fight for the right to choose what we do with our life.
In my experience this leads to a greater understanding of each partners needs not to mention complete openess and honesty. Open your mind a little. This is the problem with males and females these days. The feminists have ruined it for both sexes and now nobody understands why women like to be dominated in the bedroom, and everybody is standing around scratching their heads.
This is a fair trade being made with the consent of both parties. There is nobody being hurt here and both people are better off. This whole politically correct propaganda is really screwing things up sexually for people around the world. I make sure she is taken care of, has her needs fulfilled and she surrenders to me in bed in return.
I LIKE making life altering decisions. I like the autonomy to make my own choices. And only a man would suggest that women would be happier as second class citizens. Do you even history? I have not read this book because of certain reviews that I have read combined with my own experience in relationships that I have had. I, for one, would be considered a submissive in the BDSM community. I am submissive because it fits my personality. I am a very confident, strong individual and BDSM has made me even more so. To be a submissive or a dominant in a successful BDSM relationship, you have to be confident, trust worthy, and trusting.
You have to care about your submissive, and visa versa, to make it work. If you can not trust your dom because of what they have done or because of something that has happened in the past that has hurt you, then the relationship WILL NOT work. Both partners have limitations. It has put BDSM into the main stream and that, my friends, is progress.
Now, if we could put a good book about BDSM into the mainstream…. I came to this sight researching the bdsm topic. I have recently discovered a dear friend of mine is into it, and because I love my friend dearly, I want to try and understand this huge part of his life. As I have been reading though, most people are either one side or the other and their only purpose in writing is to oppose or convince the other side.
Is am not looking for confrontation or argument, I want to truly understand. I have questions I would like to ask in a non public forum. Your response seems to be the one that has no agenda, so i thought I would ask you. Is there any way I can contact you via email to ask some questions? I actually feel that my kink relationships, which rely so much more on explicit, concise and constant communication not to mention trust to be more intimate than my vanilla ones. My own individuality often got thrown by the way side…but I am working on this to assert myself now.
Personally the feminist movement needs to just go to Saudi Arabia or Africa if it truly wants to make a difference because it has seriously began to eff up a lot of guys, starting with me. That book is an abomination and portrays an unhealthy, abusive relationship.
Not a healthy BDSM relationship. The author is a misinformed, ignorant, Twilight fangirl and the book is actually a Twilight fanfiction Master of the Universe with the names replaced. Are you saying women are naturally submissive and incapable of taking on responsibility as well as a man?
What I think is even harder to deal with is if you are a male and have submissive fantasies to be controlled by a woman. I am a male with that fantasy, and I find it hard to overcome the stigma of the male needing to be the dominant. We enjoy make-believe as a way of dealing with painful experiences. This is all BDSM is. Your comment about people watching horror flicks and tearjerkers is right on. I have always been very honest with myself and others so why I have had such difficulties finding lasting, genuine friendships and relationships is still a mystery to me.
Before I met my babygirl slave I bought into most of the feminist crap that society has generated. When I met her I began to explore more aggressive modes of sexuality and found them to be more satisfying. Oddly, as much as I enjoy being more expressive with the aggression, I find I enjoy the open communication and the feeling of closeness we share in pursuit of the activities we enjoy.
What also is beneficial is the training involved necessary to excel in these different activities. While different strokes for different folks is definitely at play, so are the narrowminded responses both in and out of the bdsm Community to those interests and activities that are different from those held by those expressing opinions. This is cafeteria bdsm. Take what you want and leave the rest. Keep naysaying and critical opinions to yourself, your truth and mine may not be congruent.
Just my two cents. Sexual masochism and sadism have been removed of the latest DSM. So, this paper is not accurate. And by the way, Fifty Shades of Gray is awful. Hi Danny, Thank you for your comment. Sexual masochism and sexual sadism are now listed as subcategories of paraphilia in the DSM-V. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy. Feminism does not mean dominance, it means equality. Do not think that ALL women desire to be dominated, and if a woman does desire it — she should be able to make that decision without such judgmental heaving eyes.
Tabag, I applaud you for this over-generalization and presumptuously hurtful quote. There is nothing evil in BDSM but there is no pride in it either. Paraphrasing Tiffany Reisz here. My husband has some really distressing anxiety issues. He is not emotionally capable of being the dominant partner. Does this mean I do whatever I want and never ask his opinion?
Does this mean he does everything I want and never offers an opinion? Of course not! I encourage and love him with all of my being, and I try to encourage him to develop more skills that will help him get rid of his anxiety. It can be exhausting to be dominant, and it can be very angsty to be submissive. There are days that he is sure that I am going to stop loving him because of his problems.
There is power in both sides of this equation. Life is good. I recently got out of relationship with a man who was into BDSM, he was not honest with and manulapitied me to the point where I never knew what to expect.
Being sexually submissive can be empowering – these women tell all | Metro News
Once I thought i knew what he wanted, he would do something else, like slap me and call me bitch even outside of the bedroom. The sad thing is that I still love him, but cannot allow someone to treat me like that.
He does admit that I did all of the changing for him, but he refused to even bend for me. I was open minded and let him do things to me I never would have thought I would, but love makes you do crazy things. Needless to say, this has made me feel that BDSM is closer to abuse then not. Oh and the way i found out about his needs was when I found out that he cheated on me with someone who was into it. Hi ruby! Just read your comment on bdsm.